The Wizarding Marriage Conspiracy!
by H.J.K
Summary: Ron is married to Hermione. But HARRY wants Hermione. WEIRDNESS ABOUNDS! R/R, it's good!
1. Disclaimer

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Author's Note:

Hello, minna-san! It is I, **H** of **H.J.K**, and I am typing up our first fic, The Wizarding Marriage Conspiracy! The real story will start in the next chapter; this is just the disclaimer. My muse Anna will be doing the disclaimer.

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Disclaimer:

Anna: We do not own the Harry Potter Characters. They belong to Joanne Kathleen Rowling, and anything that needs to have a disclaimer will have a disclaimer! There will be a disclaimer every five chapters just to reinforce the fact that **H** can force herself to write disclaimers. …Can I have cheese now?

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H: …NO.

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Plot:

This is your average R/H fic… or is it? Twists and turns come and go, so this is basically a fic for any shipper. It'll probably come up anyway. Even we don't know what will happen, seeing as we've only written the first two chapters (we do know the ending, tho :P ) In the fic, Harry is single, Ron and Hermione are married (They married in 1997, when they were 17, and are now 21). Hermione is now the new Arithmancy teacher at Hogwarts, and Sirius was released. I will update this disclaimer when I feel like it.

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Anna: can I have my cheese NOW?

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H: NO! GO TO YOUR CAGE!

~Fin


	2. Chapter 1: SHIT!

A/N: Welcome again, everyone! It is still **H**. I will be doing this whole story, so you might not see the others for a while – the others being J and K.

Oh, and I have to warn you: somewhere in the first 10 lines there is a swearword. I'm not sure, It might be in the sixth. You check.

*awkward silence – crickets chirp*

Erm… well… shall we get on with the fic?

~*~*~

He sat at their bedroom window.

Observing.

Watching her walk leisurely across the room to the table.

He sighed. _I'll never have her,_ the man thought.

He got up, turned around, and with an agility and grace that he'd needed to learn when he was younger, started to walk off silently.

Until he stubbed his toe, that is.

"SHIT!"

The maiden in the window lifted it and looked outside. "Hello? Harry? Harry, was that you?"

Silently cursing his clumsiness, the man got up from nursing his toe, and turned around. "Yes, Hermione, it's me. Did I wake you?"

"YES!" she shrieked angrily.

"Liar. Your bedroom light was on."

"How did you know that?" Hermione's eyes narrowed mockingly. "Are you stalking me?

Harry laughed. "Yes!

Hermione laughed in turn. "Would you like to come in?"

"No."

Hermione was puzzled. "Why not?" She moved to hang more out of the window when her nightie got caught on a rusty nail and…ripped. But she didn't notice.

Harry stared. As scary as it was, and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't tear his eyes away. He was copping an eyeful of…well, YOU know!

"Er…um…er…" Harry stuttered, "I-I h-have to g-g-go…feed Fluffy…Yeah! That's it! G-gotta go!" and as quick as that, he hastily Disapparated.

"Feed Fluffy? But Fluffy died two years ago…"…Hermione looked around and shivered involuntarily. "Is there a draft?"

She glanced down.

And shrieked.

"RON! RON! GET A NEEDLE AND THREAD! GET MY WAND! GET ANYTHING! JUST HEEEEELP!"

~*~*~

Harry wandered aimlessly around Diagon Alley. He'd made plans with Sirius earlier, and he was 35 minutes late.

Sighing, he walked out and was about to exit the Leaky Cauldron when he saw Hermione in a blue floral dress, just about to leave as well. He blushed furiously, and attempted to run out-and tripped over a mop, slid on the floor, and landed rather ungracefully headfirst in a bucket full of dirty water.

Where Hermione had left the scene, Sirius had arrived. He stood in front of the bucket, and waited for the laughter to die down so he could talk, but the moment Harry raised his head, everyone started laughing again. He ignored the laughter.

"You're getting rather graceful, aren't you Harry?" he teased, raising an eyebrow.

Harry turned his head to the side and spat out some brown water. "You're getting very punctual, aren't you?"

"At least I'm not clumsy."

"Shut up."

Sirius went over and helped Harry up to a table. Harry drew out his wand and with a quick 'Impervius' spell on his clothes and head, the water sprung off him and landed all over the floor. *Sigh. Hermione taught me that.*

"So… what's wrong?"

Harry blinked. "What?"

"What's up?"

"Erm…"

"Out with it!"

"Uh…"

"I'm waiting…"

"Well…"

TELL ME ALREADY!"

"I want to kill Ron."

Sirius sat still, staring.

"WHAT?!"

~*~*~

Ron sneezed.

Hermione looked up from her position at the dinner table where her research notes were stretched out. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Ron mumbled, walking over to her and giving her a hug. "It's just a sneeze."

"You know, in Japan it's an old saying that if you sneeze for no reason someone is saying nasty stuff about you behind your back…"

"It's just a sneeze, Hermione!" Ron exclaimed angrily. He moved to kiss her forehead, but she moved away, deep in thought.

"Maybe we should get this checked out…"

"Hermione!"

"WHAT?"

Ron backed off. He knew from experience that Hermione's no-nonsense voice was not something to be trifled with.

~*~*~

"Why?" Asked Sirius incredulously.

"It's simple."

"Then tell me."

"He has Hermione."

"…Point being…?"

" But **I **want Hermione."

"WHY?"

"_Because-_"

"Hi Sirius, Hi Harry," said Hermione cheerfully from the other side of the room. She still had her blue floral dress on, and she was dragging a VERY reluctant Ron with her.

Harry blushed slightly. "Hi."

Sirius was puzzled. "Hermione, weren't you just here a few minutes ago?"

Hermione flashed them a bright smile. She was in a good mood today. "I was, but I left to do some research when Ron sneezed, and I want to find him an Anti-Cold Potion."

Ron scowled at he as she sat down, mumbling something only his wife could hear, who smacked him soundly. "Shut up, you!" she snapped.

Ron nodded meekly. Hermione grinned evilly. His submissiveness was just adding to her day.

"So, " she continued, "What brings you two here?"

Harry was caught off guard. "Er…"

"We're on official ministry of Magic business," said Sirius, totally all over that I-am-so-damn-important look.

Harry thought he saw Hermione's smile flicker for a moment, but he shook it off. "I see. Well, we'd better be off and leave you to it. Come on, Ron!" she cried cheerfully as she dragged a protesting Ron through to Diagon Alley.

"But Mio…"

Hermione hissed something like "No special toys tonight!" and immediately, Ron shut up eagerly.

Sirius shuddered as he watched them walk calmly through the hole, and spoke as soon as the hole closed up; he'd heard them. "That's just gross…"

Harry blushed. "That's another reason I want Hermione…" he whispered, trailing off.

"EEEEWW! OH MY GOD!"

"Quiet!" Harry smacked Sirius upside the head. "Anyhow, I know Hermione deserves better because I know for a fact that…"

"That what?"

Harry coughed. "Ron uses laxatives…"

Sirius giggled. And snorted. And chortled. And laughed hysterically, until the tears ran down his face.

Harry was very annoyed. "Shut up! What I meant to say is Ron really loves Lavender who, if you didn't know, is Dean's wife. Dean loves laxatives. Says they make him regular as clockwork." Harry looked up to see a tall brunette Apparate in the middle of the Leaky Cauldron wearing a VERY small, shimmering gray robe. He ignored her and looked at Sirius. "Is that a good enough excuse?"

"Hmmm? Yeah, whatever."

"You're not listening, are you?"

"Man she's hot… did you say something, Harry?"

Harry sighed, whipped out his wand, and made one of Hermione's famous waterproof bright blue flames on Sirius' drink. As Sirius went to take a sip, his beard got singed. "BLOODY HELL!" he roared, and, seeing that he had caught Sirius' attention, Harry calmly put the flame into a piece of loose wood he'd transfigured into a jar.

"What was that for?"

"Will you listen?"

Sirius watched longingly as the brunette Disapparated. He sighed. "Yes."

Harry had to repeat all that he'd said, or at least all that he remembered anyway. But he couldn't resist adding, "You know, if Dean was married to the creator of laxatives, he'd be the happiest man alive, whether it was a male (A/N: *shudder*) or female or donkey or a piece of bird shit, or an axe-wielding psychopath! Weird, don't you think?"

Sirius frowned. "Not a good enough excuse. But," he added, seeing Harry's crestfallen face, "It's good to kill something or someone once in a while (A/N: Ignore that remark! It is NOT good to kill someone or something once in a while! However, for the purpose of this first chapter, it is. NO ONE WILL DIE… I think… :P)

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NOT, thought Sirius_. You're insane, Harry. As nutty as they come. Oh well. At least_ I _don't have to kill him…_

~*~*~

Therefore, this is the end of the first chapter of The Wizarding Marriage Conspiracy! Please review by clicking on the blessed…er, button thingo telling you to click to submit review, or Anna will get sad (PFFT! Like I give a stuff! She is so LAZY for a muse!).

For everyone who does review, you shall be rewarded with…*takes off a cloth hanging suspiciously in mid-air* A BRAND NEW INVISIBLE CAR! Watch your friends be amazed as they try to sit on the steering wheel! Strain to find it at daytime and get late for work! (99% crap; 1% fake as hell. You can order this and many more from www.totalcrap.sht.au . 1 second waranty.)

Bye! ~ **H**.J.K


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